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Title: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Fujioka
Rating: PG
Summary: Haruhi is late for Host Club. The Host Club discuss this phenomenon through the medium of song. (crack)
Helpful things: Youtube "how do you solve a problem like Maria" for the almost punchline.

Banner by nicluv1787 

[The following is an accurate transcript of Host Club events between the hours of 3:07 and 3:10.]

“Milooooooord,” chorused the twins.


“Haruhi is late again and the girls are waiting!”

“Have no fear, I have prepared for this eventuality.” (Note: Tamaki has never before or after been seen to prepare for Haruhi’s lateness.)

“Take these lyrics and costumes and let the girls in.”

The doors creaked open as the lights dimmed, and with a crackle, mood lighting appeared on the suddenly constructed stage.

“Now, enter every last drop of emotion you can! Hearts in it children! Music!” cried Tamaki, and the song began.

Hikaru: He doesn’t mind when his clothes look bad
He’d just hand-sew up a tear
Kaoru: He refused to dance in public
He only sings when no-one’s there
Tamaki: He’d never hide a pimple,
Or put product in his hair,
Kyouya: He’d never give an exclusive to the host club

Hunny: He’s always late for club meets
Mori: But his penitence is real
Kaoru: He's always late for any meet
Hikaru: Except for any meal
Kyouya: I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Fujioka's less of an asset to the Host Club
“(than the rest of you)” added Kyouya

Hunny: I think we should be nicer about Haru-chan
Haruhi makes me laugh
“That didn’t rhyme Hunny” scolded Tamaki.
“It didn’t?” Hunny added doe eyes and the girls hushed Tamaki.

All Host Club: How do you solve a problem like Fujioka?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Fujioka?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Tamaki: (lamenting) (under a spotlight)Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay?
And listen to all you say?
Twins: How do you keep a wave upon the sand? (Bucket of water and soggy sand dropped on a crouching king)

Twins: (turning from Tamaki) Oh, how do you solve a problem like Fujioka?
Tamaki: How do you hold a moonbeam (cue sparkles) in your hand?
When I'm with him I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
he's as flighty as a feather
he's a darling!
Twins: He's a demon!
Tamaki: (shrieking protest) He's a lamb!

Mori: he would outsnark any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
Hunny: his eyes could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
Hunny: he is gentle!
Tamaki: he is cruel!
Girl 1: he's a riddle!
Girl 2: he's a rule!
Kyouya: he's a headache! “but less than Tamaki,”
Girl 3: he's an angel!
Tamaki: he's a –


Haruhi entered the room and the music was cut off. She took what was before her in and finally asked, “What are you doing in nun’s outfits?”